(Warning! This turned quite confusing at the end, lol! But I thought I'd share anyway...)
You know what the past 16 months have felt like? The longest night ever. Only instead of sleeping I've been awake. No big deal, right? I'm awake at least 3 out of every 7 nights...but that's not what I mean. It feels like I've been awake, just waiting...waiting for the morning to get here, waiting for the beautiful sunrise. Maybe this song will help explain:
I only thought of the above analogy after hearing this song on the radio a couple weeks ago. Recently at work I've noticed that the first glimpse of light from the rising sun is visible at about 4:45 am...maybe sooner if you're staring directly east and not out of a window facing north-west like the one at work. January was like 4:45am to me....and now it's about 5:30? Bright enough to be eagerly and excitedly awaiting the full fledged morning, but still dark enough to feel the lingering effects of the night. But what if it's not 5:30am as it seems? What if it's still midnight and we unknowingly have several "hours" left to go, like last June/July when it seemed to be 4:45 am for a few brief moments, but then all of a sudden it was pitch black again. I don't want to think about that. All I want is to see that glorious sun casting out the last lingering shadows of the night.
Sometimes I still feel stuck in one of those shadows. There are times when it's all I can do to keep moving forward, one day at a time. The good news is that September 19th does become one day closer with each day that passes...the bad news is it still seems so far away. Some people probably think I'm crazy for continuing to be nervous and worried when so far the past 23 weeks have gone by without even the slightest problem. But I don't care what they think. They can't tell me I'm crazy unless they've been in these shoes. The 12 months prior to January (longer if you count the problems I had even before the first miscarriage) did NOT go smoothly.
A few weeks ago at church a lady sang this song by Casting Crowns, and it touched home...especially the second verse:
I only thought of the above analogy after hearing this song on the radio a couple weeks ago. Recently at work I've noticed that the first glimpse of light from the rising sun is visible at about 4:45 am...maybe sooner if you're staring directly east and not out of a window facing north-west like the one at work. January was like 4:45am to me....and now it's about 5:30? Bright enough to be eagerly and excitedly awaiting the full fledged morning, but still dark enough to feel the lingering effects of the night. But what if it's not 5:30am as it seems? What if it's still midnight and we unknowingly have several "hours" left to go, like last June/July when it seemed to be 4:45 am for a few brief moments, but then all of a sudden it was pitch black again. I don't want to think about that. All I want is to see that glorious sun casting out the last lingering shadows of the night.
Sometimes I still feel stuck in one of those shadows. There are times when it's all I can do to keep moving forward, one day at a time. The good news is that September 19th does become one day closer with each day that passes...the bad news is it still seems so far away. Some people probably think I'm crazy for continuing to be nervous and worried when so far the past 23 weeks have gone by without even the slightest problem. But I don't care what they think. They can't tell me I'm crazy unless they've been in these shoes. The 12 months prior to January (longer if you count the problems I had even before the first miscarriage) did NOT go smoothly.
A few weeks ago at church a lady sang this song by Casting Crowns, and it touched home...especially the second verse:
Here at Your feet, I lay my future down
All of my dreams, I give to You now
And I find peace, I find peace
Here at Your feet, I lay my life down
For You my King, You’re all I want now
And my soul sings…
All of my dreams, I give to You now
And I find peace, I find peace
Here at Your feet, I lay my life down
For You my King, You’re all I want now
And my soul sings…
Parts of the first verse are completely applicable as well, such as "Here at your feet, I lay my past down...I lay this day down." I wish it were easy. But it is a daily struggle. Every. Single. Day. And I wish I could say I actually DID this every day...I suppose it's those days when I notice fear and worry creeping back in that I know I need to focus more specifically on surrenduring everything to Him. Again. And again. It really isn't easy. But this baby is His, an his will WILL be done, we just have to have faith in that. Yesterday at a friend's house I saw a plaque with the saying "Faith is not believing that God can, it is knowing that He will."
I'm not sure that saying is totally accurate...I mean, if you stare at a building and say "I have faith that God will move this building", that doesn't mean it's going to move...no matter how much you believe it will. CAN He move it? Sure. But will he? Probably not. That was a silly example, but it points out the flaw...we can't just decide to have faith in something and expect God to do it. It's not a human decision that brings about God's actions. Sure he CAN do anything...but He's only going to do his will. Faith is knowing that he WILL be with us through whatever we have to go through. Faith is knowing that he won't give us more than we can handle. 1 Corinthians 10:13 demonstrates this:
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
Here the word temptation is used, and though I don't like substituting words or changing bible verses, I think it still applies...we will not be faced with anything we cannot handle. But then the question comes to mind, if God is going to accomplish his will no matter what, then what use is prayer? Why bother?? Does it really change anything? I believe it can. We may still not get the outcome our human hearts are asking for, but I do believe prayer is beneficial, and Romans 8:26 explains why:
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."
In fact, we are instructed/encouraged to pray:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phillipians 4:6
"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests." Ephesians 6:18a
And then to make this even more confusing, we have these verses:
"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Mark 11:22-24
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him." 1 John 5:14-15
"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." John 14:13-14
So just as I thought I was figuring this all out, now I'm totally confused again...especially looking at those last 3 verses. The first one (basically) says if we ask for something and truly believe it will happen, it will. The second one says if we ask for anything "according to his will" we will have it. And the third one just simply says, "ask in my name...and I will do it." Um...but no matter what it still has to be in accordance with His will, or it won't happen! Right? So how the heck do we know if what we're asking is His will?? So, if we ask for something and it DOESN'T happen, does that mean it just wasn't His will...or was it because our faith wasn't strong enough?? Oy. Also, these verses make it seem like our human decisions (with faith) can and will bring about God's actions...and that just does NOT sound right at all! Ugh, I'm back to the beginning again. What I DO know is that we are instructed to pray, and the Spirit intercedes for us in prayer. If nothing else, we will receive "the peace of God that trancends all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)" And I guess I just need to leave it there.
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
Here the word temptation is used, and though I don't like substituting words or changing bible verses, I think it still applies...we will not be faced with anything we cannot handle. But then the question comes to mind, if God is going to accomplish his will no matter what, then what use is prayer? Why bother?? Does it really change anything? I believe it can. We may still not get the outcome our human hearts are asking for, but I do believe prayer is beneficial, and Romans 8:26 explains why:
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."
In fact, we are instructed/encouraged to pray:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phillipians 4:6
"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests." Ephesians 6:18a
And then to make this even more confusing, we have these verses:
"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Mark 11:22-24
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him." 1 John 5:14-15
"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." John 14:13-14
So just as I thought I was figuring this all out, now I'm totally confused again...especially looking at those last 3 verses. The first one (basically) says if we ask for something and truly believe it will happen, it will. The second one says if we ask for anything "according to his will" we will have it. And the third one just simply says, "ask in my name...and I will do it." Um...but no matter what it still has to be in accordance with His will, or it won't happen! Right? So how the heck do we know if what we're asking is His will?? So, if we ask for something and it DOESN'T happen, does that mean it just wasn't His will...or was it because our faith wasn't strong enough?? Oy. Also, these verses make it seem like our human decisions (with faith) can and will bring about God's actions...and that just does NOT sound right at all! Ugh, I'm back to the beginning again. What I DO know is that we are instructed to pray, and the Spirit intercedes for us in prayer. If nothing else, we will receive "the peace of God that trancends all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)" And I guess I just need to leave it there.
I am still waiting for the morning...but in the meantime I need to lay each day at His feet, because it is there that I will find peace.
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