Waiting for the Sunrise

(Warning! This turned quite confusing at the end, lol! But I thought I'd share anyway...)

You know what the past 16 months have felt like? The longest night ever. Only instead of sleeping I've been awake. No big deal, right? I'm awake at least 3 out of every 7 nights...but that's not what I mean. It feels like I've been awake, just waiting...waiting for the morning to get here, waiting for the beautiful sunrise. Maybe this song will help explain:



I only thought of the above analogy after hearing this song on the radio a couple weeks ago. Recently at work I've noticed that the first glimpse of light from the rising sun is visible at about 4:45 am...maybe sooner if you're staring directly east and not out of a window facing north-west like the one at work. January was like 4:45am to me....and now it's about 5:30? Bright enough to be eagerly and excitedly awaiting the full fledged morning, but still dark enough to feel the lingering effects of the night. But what if it's not 5:30am as it seems? What if it's still midnight and we unknowingly have several "hours" left to go, like last June/July when it seemed to be 4:45 am for a few brief moments, but then all of a sudden it was pitch black again. I don't want to think about that. All I want is to see that glorious sun casting out the last lingering shadows of the night.

Sometimes I still feel stuck in one of those shadows. There are times when it's all I can do to keep moving forward, one day at a time. The good news is that September 19th does become one day closer with each day that passes...the bad news is it still seems so far away. Some people probably think I'm crazy for continuing to be nervous and worried when so far the past 23 weeks have gone by without even the slightest problem. But I don't care what they think. They can't tell me I'm crazy unless they've been in these shoes. The 12 months prior to January (longer if you count the problems I had even before the first miscarriage) did NOT go smoothly.

A few weeks ago at church a lady sang this song by Casting Crowns, and it touched home...especially the second verse:

Here at Your feet, I lay my future down
All of my dreams, I give to You now
And I find peace, I find peace
Here at Your feet, I lay my life down
For You my King, You’re all I want now
And my soul sings…

Parts of the first verse are completely applicable as well, such as "Here at your feet, I lay my past down...I lay this day down." I wish it were easy. But it is a daily struggle. Every. Single. Day. And I wish I could say I actually DID this every day...I suppose it's those days when I notice fear and worry creeping back in that I know I need to focus more specifically on surrenduring everything to Him. Again. And again. It really isn't easy. But this baby is His, an his will WILL be done, we just have to have faith in that. Yesterday at a friend's house I saw a plaque with the saying "Faith is not believing that God can, it is knowing that He will."

I'm not sure that saying is totally accurate...I mean, if you stare at a building and say "I have faith that God will move this building", that doesn't mean it's going to move...no matter how much you believe it will. CAN He move it? Sure. But will he? Probably not. That was a silly example, but it points out the flaw...we can't just decide to have faith in something and expect God to do it. It's not a human decision that brings about God's actions. Sure he CAN do anything...but He's only going to do his will. Faith is knowing that he WILL be with us through whatever we have to go through. Faith is knowing that he won't give us more than we can handle. 1 Corinthians 10:13 demonstrates this:

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

Here the word temptation is used, and though I don't like substituting words or changing bible verses, I think it still applies...we will not be faced with anything we cannot handle. But then the question comes to mind, if God is going to accomplish his will no matter what, then what use is prayer? Why bother?? Does it really change anything? I believe it can. We may still not get the outcome our human hearts are asking for, but I do believe prayer is beneficial, and Romans 8:26 explains why:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

In fact, we are instructed/encouraged to pray:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phillipians 4:6

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests." Ephesians 6:18a

And then to make this even more confusing, we have these verses:

"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Mark 11:22-24

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him." 1 John 5:14-15

"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." John 14:13-14

So just as I thought I was figuring this all out, now I'm totally confused again...especially looking at those last 3 verses. The first one (basically) says if we ask for something and truly believe it will happen, it will. The second one says if we ask for anything "according to his will" we will have it. And the third one just simply says, "ask in my name...and I will do it." Um...but no matter what it still has to be in accordance with His will, or it won't happen! Right? So how the heck do we know if what we're asking is His will?? So, if we ask for something and it DOESN'T happen, does that mean it just wasn't His will...or was it because our faith wasn't strong enough?? Oy. Also, these verses make it seem like our human decisions (with faith) can and will bring about God's actions...and that just does NOT sound right at all! Ugh, I'm back to the beginning again. What I DO know is that we are instructed to pray, and the Spirit intercedes for us in prayer. If nothing else, we will receive "the peace of God that trancends all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)" And I guess I just need to leave it there.

I am still waiting for the morning...but in the meantime I need to lay each day at His feet, because it is there that I will find peace.

Spoiled Already!

This little girl is going to be sooo spoiled!! As I said previously, Scott let me splurge at Kohl's online clearance sale a couple weeks ago. Everything finally arrived, and I took pictures! While I was at it, I took pictures of Monkey's entire wardrobe so far.

These we've collected gradually over the past year. I especially love the grey one that says "50% mommy, 50% daddy, 100% perfection". Notice these are all neutral. :-)

These are Target purchases from the day we found out Monkey is a girl. :-) We bought these on Mother's Day off the Babies R Us clearance rack. The light pink bodysuit has little hearts all over it, but the picture didn't capture that very well. All of these are size 3-6 months and will be perfect for this winter!

And now for the Kohl's purchases:

Four gowns size 0-3 months: the light pink one says "Little Lady", and the polka dot one says "adorable".
Monkey onsies! See the ruffle butts on two of them? :::squee!:::
Scott and I have an inside joke about cows and "Moo", so I could not pass these up! The one on the left has a big cow on the butt too, it's stinkin' cute! Both the left onsie and the butt of the pants say "M is for Moo"
These are for next summer. All but the bottom one are 6-9 month sizes.
And these were just cute...I love the "Daddy Loves Me" onsie. :-)

I know this looks like a lot (and I guess it is, lol!), but they're all a variety of sizes and only one onsie is "newborn" size. There's probably an equal amount of 0-3, 3-6 and 6-9 month items. Shopping for a little girl is so much fun!!! AND I just *love* clearance deals!! The only items we've paid full price for are the grey onsie in the first picture ($5 at Old Navy) and the "little lady" onsie in the second picture ($3 at Target)...still cheap even at full price! :-)

Okay, nap time for me once again...working the next three nights, then I get 4 off over the weekend. Oh! We have a name for our little Monkey!! But it deserves it's own post and explanation, so I will save that for another day. Maybe we will decide on a middle name in the meantime. :-)

~Abigail~

Confirmed: GIRL!

I worked an extra shift on Saturday night in L&D (I was secretary instead of RN that night), and one of my co-workers was nice enough to do an ultrasound for me. One of the other nurses I work with had tried on 2 other occasions (once with one of our midwives), but Monkey would not cooperate! But Saturday night we got an excellent view right away and confirmed that she is indeed all girl! I can't even describe how excited I am to know for sure! Now we can really plan and go forward with our nursery plans (and everything else!) without wondering if we're going to have to switch things around later. :-)

We love you sweet baby girl!! <3 <3 <3

Uh-Oh

As I said earlier, I went to Kohl's to go Mother's Day shopping. I am guilty of a detour to the baby department. No, I'm not sorry. I saw this and I just couldn't help myself!!!



Isn't it adorable??? *Sigh* I'm in trouble. It was on clearance for $4, and I just couldn't pass it up. They only had 0-3 month and 3-6 month sizes, so I bought the 0-3 since it's short sleeved. December through February are the coolest months here in AZ, and that falls right in the 3-6 month range for Monkey, so I didn't want to get that size.

And in the event that Monkey turns out to be a boy, I do NOT feel bad spending the $4 on this outfit!! It will be a good gift for someone else if we end up switching to blue stuff! :-P

Scott let me splurge last week and I ordered a bunch of stuff on Kohls.com...again, it was all clearance...and suprisingly I saw some of the same stuff in the store today but at a higher "clearance" price, so I'm even more excited about my online purchases!! I bought mostly 3-6 and 6-9 month sizes as I know I'll most likely be getting lots of newborn and 0-3 sizes at my baby shower. I will be sure to snap some pictures and share when it all arrives! I'll definitely be keeping the receipt until after the next ultrasound, though(can you tell I'm still skeptical?? hehe).

I'm off to make Chicken Enchiladas for dinner! I've never made them before, I hope it turns out good!

Pics, Kicks and More!

And here are the 20 week pics as promised!

5/4/10--20w2d

And just for fun...for now I can still see my feet!

I've been starting to feel a lot more movement lately, which has been so much fun! At 16w exactly I thought I felt a kick, and then at 17w3d I felt a kick that I knew for sure was Monkey (and not gas, lol!). But after that I felt maybe 2 or 3 small kicks/movements total over the following two weeks. Last Wednesday at 19w3d I felt a stronger kick and quickly put my hand over the spot and she did it again and I was able to feel it on the outside too! Since then I've felt her "poking" me a couple times every single day and it's been awesome!! Scott hasn't been able to feel it yet, the timing just hasn't been right. But hopefully soon!!

We're going to be starting on the nursery in the next couple weeks. I switched the bedding set (again) yesterday, but this time I'm 99.9% sure this is the one!! Good thing Scott is easy going on this and has been okay with each of my picks so far! I hope he actually likes it and isn't just going along with it. But this bedding set is super stinkin' cute and I just love the bright colors, patterns and of course the monkeys!! :-D Here's the link to the set at Target. I think we're going to paint one wall in that orange color and the other 3 walls in a tan that matches the monkeys, because although the bedding set is definitely for a girl, we want the nursery to be neutral. I also found a rug at babiesrus.com that I think will be perfect for the room too, tying in the flower pattern and all the vibrant colors from the bedding. I'm not totally sure on that though...perhaps it would be better to go with a single colored dark pink or orange rug...we'll see. But I'm getting ahead of myself, paint and carpet must come first! And I'll be sure to take before/during/after pics of the process as we go. :-)

Ahh, she must approve, she's kicking me right now!! <3>

Okay, I'm off to go shopping for mother's day stuff since I'll be working the next 3 maybe 4 nights (I'm on-call on Saturday night...unless I decide to erase myself, lol). Oh, and grocery shopping...

~Abigail~

Half Baked

Woohoo, 20 weeks!!! Monkey is half way "done" today!! We're demanding she stay in there cooking for at least another 16 weeks, and up to 21. If she goes past 21 more weeks she'll be getting an eviction notice. HA!

I'll edit this post tomorrow with a new picture. I'm trying to take them every 2 weeks, but I don't have the 20 week shot yet.

More to come...

Little Lady

I know I'm late making the blog announcement...but here it is!! Yep, Monkey is a girl!! We're elated, and getting even more excited! :-)

Now, before I go any further I have to say I am not entirely convinced that our "she" is a she. You see, after the ultrasound as I was scrutinizing the photos we got it became more and more clear to me that our little Monkey had "her" feet in the way of the money shot. Of course I didn't realize this DURING the ultrasound (that would have been way too convenient, lol). But since then I have asked my Dr about it and she said their techs are very good about not "calling it" if they're not sure...and I know the tech most likely took more pictures than the one we got printed out. She also said she wouldn't hesitate to buy pink at this point, which did make me feel better. But still, there is a part of me that just isn't convinced! But until the next ultrasound (probably in mid-June), we are running with the pink theme!! :-D

Without further adieu, here is our little girl:

Waving at Mom and Dad...and sticking her tongue out.
Uh-oh, a little brat already!

And here's the "girl" shot. Can you see her feet? Knees are on the right, bottom is on the left...and feet are right in the middle. It's her left foot that's really the problem, lol.

They were able to get all the measurements and photos they needed at the ultrasound, and Monkey is perfect! She measured 18w2d on 4/22 which is right on track with my due date and with the last ultrasound. She is also in the 30th percentile on the growth charts at this point. That kinda worried me, but my Dr isn't worried about it and said she's a "uniform" 30th percentile...meaning she's just petite as opposed to being misproportioned (different percentiles for different measurments--head, abdomen, etc). And that's a good thing. :-) This doesn't mean she'll be a small baby in the end, but she is on the small side right now. My Dr also said this is more normal for little girls, so that's another reason to believe "she's" a she. :-)

We also learned that I have a low-anterior placenta. Say what? That means my placenta is on the lower front wall of my uterus...coushioning most of Monkey's little kicks and wiggles. :-( No wonder I haven't felt much yet!! I have felt a few movements, but only one or two at a time and only every few days. Stupid placenta...I want to feel my baby!!! :::pouts::: But on the bright side, it's because of this that I'll need another ultrasound to re-evaluate placental position again. My Dr said it will probably shift up as my uterus continues to grow, but if it doesn't it may cause issues for delivery...mostly in the case of needing an emergency c-section because as of right now my placenta is in the exact spot they'd need to make the incision. And though they do it if they have to, you don't want to cut through a placenta as it is EXTREMELY vascular. So yeah, let's pray that sucker moves up just in case a c-section is necessary (emergency or otherwise--I was a breech baby forcing my birthmom to have a c-section, and I wouldn't put it past my offspring to do the same thing to me...).

Hmmm, I think that's all from that appointment. Next up: regularly scheduled appt on May 18th. Then hopefully 4 weeks after that I'll get that follow-up ultrasound and we can confirm GIRL! Until then, we're going to plan and shop (keeping receipts, lol) and start on the nursery! More updates to follow...

~Abigail~

18 weeks!!

I really can't believe we've made it to 18 weeks!! Praise God for a healthy baby and complication free pregnancy so far! And of course we pray it continues that way! :-)

Our next ultrasound is only 4 days away, and when I made the appt almost 6 weeks ago it felt like it would never get here!! We're almost there, aaaaahhhH!!! Hopefully Baby will cooperate and we'll know whether Monkey is a boy or girl! I seriously can't wait! I've been working on starting a registry (with just the basic stuff and the help of this book), and I can't wait to add some more gender specific items! Plus just the whole knowing part...I imagine it will make this all seem so much more real! I really don't know how some people wait until delivery...I would go insane!! So Monkey, please cooperate with us on Thursday and give the ultrasound tech the shots she needs, okay?

So I thought it would be fun to do a couple comparison pictures. The first picture I took was at 10w6d, so I decided to wear the exact same thing and take another picture. Here are the results.

















Left: 10w6d Right: 18w0d Um, yeah. TOTALLY can see that the little Monkey is growing when I do it this way!! That makes me happy. :-D And I'm also pleased to say I'm still on track for weight. I've gained a total of 8 lbs so far, which is right on track for a grand total of 25-30 by the end (healthy is 25 to 35lbs total). I'm trying not to stress out about it too much...it's supposed to happen. LOL! :-)

After Thursday (assuming we get to make a Boy/Girl announcement, hehe) we'll have to start thinking about getting the nursery ready! We're thinking of painting it either a light green or yellow, but we also need new carpet (we ripped it up several weeks ago because the cats ruined it). AND we can decide on crib bedding and plan the decorations!! When I say "we" I have a feeling it will mostly be me...haha...but I don't mind as long as Scott participates with his opinions.

Okay, nap time for me and the Monkey. I'm working tonight plus the next two. Hopefully that will make Thursday get here even faster!! :-D

~Abigail~

New Car!

Yesterday Scott and I bought a new car! Oh wait...I haven't even told you the story of how his car died yet...

Ahem. About 4 weeks ago we drove to Colorado to see my grandma. We didn't trust either of our cars to take us that far (plus the fact that if we took my car I'd have to drive the whole 700+ miles both ways because it's a manual...and I didn't want to do that!). So Scott's mom graciously agreed to trade us vehicles, giving us her Nissan Pathfinder for the weekend roadtrip in exchange for Scott's Chrysler Concorde. They swapped at Scott's work, and not five minutes down the road his mom calls him and says the battery light had come on...so she was taking it to the mechanic. Half an hour later...she called again and this time the car had caught on fire!! Thank God it was in the mechanic's parking lot when that happened.

So yeah...good thing we didn't take it to Colorado...we wouldn't have gotten very far!! And we're thankful it all happened under the circumstances it did. And what better place than the mechanic's parking lot?? They put the fire out very quickly...that wouldn't have happened had the car been at home or somewhere else! It seems as though the battery is what caught on fire. However that happens...

BUT this whole thing is also a blessing in disguise...at least that's how I'm choosing to see it. We were planning to sell or trade his car this summer anyway, but we definitely got more from the insurance settlement (the car was totaled) than we would have for a trade in...we even got more than Kelley Blue Book predicted we would. And with the insurance check we will be able to pay off two credit cards (woohoo, we'll own all our appliances after almost 12 months!!) and pay our taxes...unfortunately we still owed money for 2009 even with buying a house. Ugh! Anyway, we're also getting tires for my car (desperately needed!) and put a good down payment on Scott's new car yesterday.

Here is our new 2008 Toyota Corolla!! (pics from the AutoTrader ad)

This is the first car we've bought together, just the two of us...and we plan to keep it until it wears out...and it only has 34K miles, so hopefully that won't be for a loooooong time!! The only downside to the whole thing is now we have 2 car payments every month instead of just one...but without those two credit cards plus cancelling our LA Fitness memberships (we've used them once since last July...so yeah...) our monthly expenses will actually go down. So I guess I can't complain too much about a 2nd car payment. :-) The best part other than that we love it: we got it for almost 3K less than Kelley Blue Book values it at. I say we win. :-) :-)

Car shopping makes me want to get a new vehicle for me too. Hehe. :-) Maybe in 2 years once my Saturn is payed off. :-)

16 weeks!

Actually, 16w1d. Yes, the days are important. :::sticks tongue out at anyone laughing at me::: So mature, I know...

Apparently our baby is the size of an avocado this week. Probably weighs about that much, too. Of course, I have giant avocados in my fridge and I know Monkey isn't THAT big yet.

I *think*, maybe, possibly, I-don't-know-for-sure-but Monkay may have kicked me yesterday. :-) Nice Easter present, huh? I couldn't get him or her to repeat the act, so it's hard to say...but I did feel a distinct (but light) and very quick "thud" from somewhere within...and about 30 minutes after finishing a strawberry soda (with a whopping 45 grams of sugar...WHOA!!). AND I was sitting on the couch in a knees-to-chest position, so perhaps that cramped Monkey's space a little, lol. Who knows...it'll happen again eventually. Although I would not be beyond me to attempt recreating the situation again later today...soda, couch, knees-to chest and all... :::mischevious laugh:::

Easter Sunday, 4/4/10, 16w0d

Hmmm, is it getting bigger yet?? I can't tell...I think it is...I FEEL like it is, haha. My normal pants are getting tighter in the waist, but suprisingly still fit. These are maternity pants because they're just oh-so-comfy and I'm under the delusion that they make me look more pregnant than my normal ones. So don't burst my bubble. I do need to go shopping for shorts though. It's getting warm here, and the only shorts that are comfortable are a pair of trusty ol' black gym shorts...which are fine for around the house and a quick trip to the store, but not for going out or general-every-day use.

I got a picture-worthy heparin bruise last week (it's a blood thinner, minor bruises at injection sites are normal). I think I injected it a little too low and didn't get enough fatty tissue and I also may have hit a blood vessel (oops). Immediately after injecting it I could feel a nice little "bump"...kinda like a marble under the skin. I went back to bed, and when I got up a couple hours later there was a definite lump visible, at least an inch wide, but it wasn't bruised yet. Slowly throughout the day it got darker...and darker...and bigger...and darker...until this is what I ended up with the next morning. The hand is for size comparison...

(oh, and speaking of trusty ol' black gym shorts...hahaha)

Okay, so the picture doesn't do it justice...it looks way worse in person. The other little blue and yellow bruises you see are normal...no biggie. This one is huge!! I think it was actually a hematoma under the skin because it was quite raised and, well, bruised!! Whoops. Oh well...when you're doing two self-injections a day it's bound to happen every once in a while. Luckily I usually only have one nasty bruise at a time...but this one is/was by far the worst so far!

See what you're doing to Mommy, Monkey? You're so worth it though. And something tells me this is nothing compared to the next 20+ years. Bring it on. :-D

Okay, I'm going to go shower and then try to find some shorts for this summer...

~Abigail~