Forever In Our Hearts

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21

If there is one thing I have learned this year, it is that having faith and putting one's trust in God is a lot harder to do when things go "wrong"...at least according to our plan. It's extremely hard to follow along and trust in God's plan for our lives in the midst of heartache. Don't get me wrong, this year has been amazing for me and Scott in many ways: new house, graduating from nursing school, new job description for me (RN!) and nice new pay raise...not to mention my dream job, Scott going back to school this week, and getting to spend more time together than ever before in our marriage (due to being finished with nursing school!). We are very greatful for everything we have been blessed with this year. This year has also been difficult in, up until now, a very private way. But I am tired of hiding.

Today is August 23rd, 2009. Today we were planning to announce to the world that we were expecting a baby, because today we were going to be 12 weeks pregnant. We do not get to make that announcement in the way we had hoped. Last night marks 4 weeks since we were forced to say goodbye to our precious little baby at ~11:50pm on Saturday, July 25th. I won't describe the details. But we did get the very special opportunity to see and hold our child, which I am SO so thankful for. I don't think I can even describe how that felt...amazing, surreal, heartbreaking...I was awestruck at how perfect and complete our baby was, and at only 8 weeks. We had seen the heartbeat on ultrasound only 10 days earlier but this was so much more...real. This is a representation of what we saw, what I held in the palm of my hand, less than 1 inch in length:

So tiny, yet so perfect. Brought new meaning to my favorite verse in Psalm 139 about how we are fearfully and wonderfully made (quoted at the top of my blog). But why was this happening? If we are so fearfully and wonderfully made, what went wrong? Why did we lose this perfect little baby? And to add to our pain and confusion...this wasn't the first time. This was the 2nd child we have lost this year. The first time was back in February. We found out we were pregnant February 1st...much to our surprise. We had only been "trying" in a very loose sense of the word since December, so were were extrememly shocked and elated to learn that we were pregnant after only 2 months. However it only lasted 4 days. We lost that baby on February 5th at what we're guessing was only 4 weeks. Most people don't even know they are pregnant at that point. But it was still extremely difficult. One day we were pregnant, excited, planning...and only a few days later those dreams and expectations were ripped away. It may have only been a few days...but the hopes and dreams we lost were much older than that, and I think that is what hurt the most. That baby was due in October, and from my best guess, October 12th. We hadn't told anyone that we were pregnant, so when we lost that baby we didn't tell anyone...except for a couple of very close friends who happened to notice that something was wrong a couple days later and asked if we were okay. We didn't tell anyone because we weren't sure how, and weren't sure if we wanted to...we didn't want to hurt anyone, and we weren't even sure what had happened ourselves as it had all happened so quickly. We didn't want anyone to know we were trying (and still trying), or that there were any problems. We didnt' want the questions or the well-meaning yet often hurtful comments like "At least you know you can get pregnant", "It will happen when the time is right", or "There is always a reason for everything". For the time being, we wanted this to be our own personal secret that we would share if and when the time was ever right, and we were both okay with that.

So from February through May we tried our best to get back to normal. We would never forget what happened, but we tried to move on. And I think we did. We started trying again right away, but nothing happened. This did not suprise me. I was having issues of my own, in fact I had been since February of 2008...which is part of the reason why it was such a surprise when we did find out we were pregnant this February. In May I went to see one of the OB/GYN's that I work with at the hospital, who later that month referred me to go see another OB in the same practice who had much more experience. I saw her in June, and based on an ultrasound and some bloodwork I was diagnosed with PCOS--which stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This is a very complex disorder affecting more than just fertility, but in short it meant that getting and staying pregnant could potentially be a lot harder for me than for the majority of women. Based on this diagnosis, I was prescribed the fertility drug Clomid which we were instructed to use in July. To our complete suprise (once again), we found out we were pregnant only 2 weeks after this appointment (and without using the prescription!).

June 24th, 2009 was an awesome day, to put it lightly! That morning I took NCLEX--the state nursing licensure exam...and when I got home that day I took a pregnancy test on a whim...I just had a feeling...and that feeling was 100% right. We were pregnant! I was in complete shock, and called Scott at work. I couldn't wait, I had to tell him. Here is what I said: "So, you know the exam I took this morning (referring to NCLEX)? Well...that wasn't the only test I took today. And let's just say I can't go out and get that margarita I was planning on having tonight..." "Oh really!"...was Scott's reply. We just couldn't believe it, we knew this had to be our miracle baby, we hadn't even needed the drugs I had been prescribed! And to find out on the day I got my RN license? Could it get better than this? Our first ultrasound was scheduled for July 15th, and if everything looked good we planned to tell our families the following weekend.

July 15th came and went and the ultrasound was perfect. We saw our baby's heart beating away at 125 bpm...he or she literally looked like a peanut...and measured only 5mm in length, which was right on track for my due date of March 4th, 2010. This is one of the pictures we were given that day (6weeks and 3days). See? Shaped just like a peanut on the left side of the photo is our baby. The white ring with a dark center to the right of the baby is the "yolk sac", later to become the placenta. Everything looked perfect. I was scheduled for another ultrasound on August 4th, and we left even more excited than ever and VERY relieved. I had been extremely anxious about losing this baby since the day we found out we were pregnant again...and rightly so, it had happened before. But after seeing that little heartbeat (something we'd never gotten the chance to see the first time) we were reassured that the chances of another miscarriage we greatly reduced (although still possible). We were going to tell our parents that weekend, but one of our parents went out of town so we decided to put it off until the following weekend. Until I started bleeding.

July 22nd I was sitting in a class at work (it was an 8 hour lecture-education day) and when I got up to use the bathroom my worst fear came true...I was bleeding...and being that I work at a hospital and I was already there, I went straight to the ER. They did an ultrasound and bloodwork and amazingly everything was fine. The baby's heartrate was 150 (which was wonderful) and was measuring 9.2mm, almost double the size from only 1 week ago, and right on target. I couldn't believe it...but I was still terrified. I was instructed to go home, put my feet up for the next few days and drink tons of water. I did just that. That night we had our parents over for dinner (last minute) so we could tell them...we were scared, and if this was going to happen to us again we wanted their support this time. We only wished we could have told them when the primary emotion we felt was pure excitement...instead the announcement was jaded with fear and the explanation of that day's ER trip in addition to sharing with them about our loss in February and my diagnosis of PCOS. We didn't want to give them false hope that everything was going to be okay, and yet we wanted to allow them the opportunity to be excited for us for a little while...and pray for us and our little one, that a miracle would happen...afterall we still had hope...our baby had grown and still had a heartbeat.

Wednesday, then Thursday, then Friday passed and it was Saturday. I was still pregnant. But I was still bleeding. Each evening it would get slightly worse with some cramping to accompany it, so I would go to bed in an attempt to "run away" from what I knew was happening...only to my suprise (and relief) I would wake up the next morning to no cramping and less bleeding. Until Saturday night. I woke up only a few hours after falling asleep, and I knew something was very wrong...the cramps were almost unbearable. And it was all over within 30 minutes. Our precious baby was in the palm of my hand, and we were left staring at him or her wondering what had just happened...why it had happened...why we were experiencing this again, after everything had been so perfect only a few days prior. Once again, our dreams came crashing down around us and I didn't know what to do. I was angry at God, angry at myself, angry at the world. Why me, why us? Why couldn't my body carry this baby, why would we not be allowed to love and raise this child? Why must it end like this? Why had God allowed us to get pregnant again in the first place just to lose it...again? We had prayed for this child before we even knew s/he existed, prayed for him/her to grow strong and healthy once we knew, and we sure as heck prayed for a miracle once the bleeding started, and I know our family was praying for us at that point too. Had He not heard us? I knew better than to ask myself these questions...but these are the thoughts that come naturally in this kind of situation.

The next few days were not easy. The last few weeks have not been easy, and it still isn't easy...but we are getting by. Each day is a little better than the day before. I'd like to share a few of the songs that have touched my heart the past few weeks and helped me to grieve as well as to find comfort and peace through it all. Held by Natalie Grant makes me cry every time...but describes my feelings perfectly. This song touches home particularly well because if you are familiar with the lyrics (or you can just listen to it) I was exactly 2 months along (8 weeks) when we lost this baby. Also Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns...the first verse and chorus especially...talks about how even when He doesn't calm the storm or ease our pain, we will still praise the God who gives and takes away, and He is always with us. Another song that seems to describe exactly where I am at right now is You're Not Shaken by Phil Stacey: no matter what happens in our lives, God is not caught by surprise. I have to remind myself that He does not cause bad things to happen, but he does allow them to happen...we may not know why "and we may never know why", but He is not shaken and we cannot stop trusting in Him in the midst of trials. The last song I'll share right now is He Is by Mark Schultz. Unfortunately I do not have a music link for this song as the album just came out a couple days ago so it is not up on youtube yet...hopefully soon. But I have linked to the lyrics on klove.com. I love this song because much like the previous song it reminds me that "He is, He was, and He always will be." None of this is new to Him or unexpected in His divine plan, and that is somehow extremely comforting to me.

One of the first verses I read when I finally opened up my Bible a couple weeks after this last miscarriage was in Psalms. I opened it up to Psalms and just started reading, no where in particular and within a couple minutes my eyes fell on this verse: Psalm 20:4-5 "May he give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift our banner in the name of our God. May the Lord grant all your requests." This has given me so much hope and peace. It WILL happen. We don't know when, and we don't know what lies before us between now and then, but I have faith we will succeed. Why else would He have shown me this specific verse? Another verse that has helped and is helping me get through right now is Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

We do not know what lies ahead of us. We are going to keep trying, and though no future pregnancies we ever experience will hold the blissful niavete that I so desperately wish I could have back, I know we will get through it. I wish I could be that girl who announces to the world she is pregnant the minute the test turns positive...that I could post ultrasound pictures and belly pictures at 6 weeks...that I wouldn't have to worry about something going wrong again, because it HAS gone wrong before...scared every time I have to use the bathroom for fear of seeing blood, making my Dr think I'm the crazy-nurse patient who thinks every possible thing that can go wrong will go wrong and wanting preventative treatment for everything...I could go on and on. That will never happen for me. Pregnancy will always hold some amount of fear, which I can only pray will not overtake me.

So why have I shared all of this in my blog, on the internet for anyone to see? To be honest, I really don't know who reads this blog. I am writing this partially because I love to write and I express my thoughts and feelings best in writing, and I knew it would be beneficial to my healing process to get this all out on "paper". I needed to do this. Scott agreed that it would be okay, and we are prepared to share with people should we be questioned about this. We are ready. Second, I am tired of hiding this. I am a mother. I want to be known for who I am. I may not have my children here in my arms, but they are and will be in my heart forever. I am tired of miscarriage being this horrible lonely secret that no one talks about. It is nothing to be ashamed of, this wasn't my fault and I didn't do anything wrong. Why does our culture hide stuff like this? I really don't know, but I don't want to hide it any longer. The truth is it happens to more people than we realize...upwards of 1 in 4 women have experienced or will experience a miscarriage sometime in their life. I do not say this to scare anyone, only to show that it is not just some rare thing that only happens once in awhile. When it happened to me the first time I was in disbelief...why me? I don't know anyone who has had a miscarriage...am I the only one? No, I am not the only one. Since this 2nd miscarriage, I have shared with several more friends what we have been going through. I am amazed at how many of those co-workers, friends and acquaintances have also experienced one or more miscarriages...and I wouldn't have known had I not shared my story with them.

So today, on the day that we would have announced to the world that we were expecting a baby, on the day we would have been 12 weeks pregnant, I just want to acknowledge my two little angel babies and tell them how much we miss them. Mommy and Daddy love you SO so much. We only wish we could have spent more time together, seen your smiles, heard your cries, held your tiny little hands and watched you grow. For reasons we may never know, God had other plans for you, and for us. But you will be forever loved, forever missed, and forever in our hearts. XOXOXO Love, Your Mommy.

~Abigail~

(Note: We have met with my Dr again since this most recent miscarriage and have had more testing done. I will share in another post what this testing has revealed and what it means as far as moving forward.)