This Moment...

...I am pregnant, and I love you, baby. In four hours Daddy and I get to see you again. I am scared. Daddy says he's not, he says you are just fine and tonight is going to be a very happy night. I wish I had his optimism. Is he just saying it for my sake? I love him so much. I don't think I can bare to let him down again. I don't think I can handle losing you, little one. I will break. I pray your Daddy is right and you are fine. I pray we get to see your healthy little heart beating away today, at a much higher rate than last week. I pray you've grown the appropriate amount in the past week. I pray we survive the next thirty two weeks or so and get to bring you home in September.

Lord I know you are in control of this. I know you hold our baby in your hands, and there is no other way I would want it. I know you know my heart...I struggle with trust, but I DO trust you. My fear comes from past experience and the hurt that has caused...I never ever want to have to experience that pain ever again. The past week I have felt a fraction of that pain...just the thought of it has made me cry multiple times. Please carry me. Carry us. Through whatever you bring us to.

I don't know what we will see this afternoon. I know what I HOPE we'll see. I also know what I'm afraid of seeing. Please hold me together, Father?

One thing I know. This moment I am pregnant, and I love our baby. This moment there is life inside me. I don't want this moment to end. I don't want to know if anything is wrong, I want to go to bed tonight as I did last night knowing I am still pregnant. I am not bleeding, I am not cramping, I have no reason other than a slow heart rate at last week's ultrasound to be afraid. No reason at all. Why am I so weak?

Many people have been praying for you little Monkey. Mommy and Daddy pray it's enough.

We love you sweet baby!

~Mommy~