One year ago today...

...this crazy, unpredictable, rollercoaster of an adventure started. February 1st, 2009, the day we found out we were pregnant for the first time. For four days we were blissfully and ignorantly pregnant, and though we kept our secret to ourselves "just in case", we never really thought anything would happen. For four days I happily "window shopped" for baby stuff and maternity clothes online, imagining what the next several months would bring. I visited my OB and confirmed the pregnancy, I set up our first ultrasound and appointment for March 12th, and every waking moment...heck, sleeping moments too...were spent in awe of what was happening "in the secret place". Was there really a baby in there? What a surreal feeling! But oh-so wonderful!

But four days later, on February 5th, it ended. We barely had time to wrap our minds around the idea of having a baby before it was all over. I felt betrayed by my body. And robbed of my innocence. And lost...so lost. And guilty. I didn't blame myself, there's nothing I could have done to prevent it, and it wasn't my fault. But it was my body that had somehow failed. I felt like I had failed my husband, and our baby...and now there wasn't a baby. And of course I felt abandoned by God. None of these feelings have completely resolved, however they have gotten easier to live with. It's true, time does heal...but it doesn't erase.

A year ago today I had no idea what the next year would bring. I only knew that we were pregnant, and SO so happy! I wish I could have bottled up that first-time-oh-so-innocent-pregnant-feeling and hung onto it forever! We've come a long way in one year. We lost another baby along the way, and of course we pray every day that God blesses us with another little one. One we get to take home and raise. But today I just wanted to remember our first precious baby. We will never forget.



~Abigail~

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1