Peace

I am very tired, but I thought I'd make a quick post before heading to bed for a few zzzzzzz's (I've worked the past 3 nights). For some reason over the past 2 days I've become more and more at peace with the idea of NOT being on any sort of blood thinner if we get pregnant again...and to be honest I'm not sure I want to be on them. I dont' know what has changed...but for some reason the fears I had a few days ago are no longer there...the facts I was freaking out about are still there in my head...but they don't scare me like they did. I'm even thinking about cancelling the hematologist appointment I (secretly) made for next month. All of a sudden I'm okay with our plan of being on baby aspirin and extra folic acid and eating healthy and exercise and the metformin. Why do more if we don't have to?

What is wrong with me, why am I so wishy-washy? Ugh. I know part of the reason why my thought process has changed. Two nights ago at work I took care of a patient with the same diagnosis I have (hetero MTHFR), but she also had another clotting disorder (Factor V Leiden for those who know what I'm talking about...) that increases her risks even more than mine...but she was only on baby aspirin. Not even extra folic acid. And she had a healthy baby. Granted she had had 3 miscarriages, but she now has 3 healthy kids too.

I don't know. It was somehow inspiring and encouraging to take care of her...and at this exact moment in time...to see someone with my diagnosis have a healthy baby on only baby aspirin...I think it may have been God's way of telling me to chill out and trust Him. L0l!
...
Okay, sorry if that was a complete mess of rambling...it makes sense to me...at the moment anyway (going on 20 hours with no sleep...*shrugs* I've done worse...).

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

EDIT:
So after 4 hours of sleep, it came to me..."peace that surpasses all understanding"...that totally explains how I feel right now. I googled to find what verse it was I was thinking of...here it is:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard yor hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Moving Forward

I know I promised an update concerning our follow-up appointment(s) with my doctor, I just haven't felt much like posting. Mostly because I'm not sure how to go about explaining anything here on my blog. But I'll do my best. Warning: this is going to be long and most likely confusing. Read at your own risk!

As I mentioned in my post on Aug. 23rd, I was diagnosed with PCOS in June of this year. What the heck does that mean? Good question, I'm still trying to figure it out myself. Actually, I have a pretty good grasp on the subject, it's just hard to put into words and relay it in non-medical terms. So forgive me if this sounds confusing...cause it's confusing anyway! PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and can affect pretty much every system in the body (link to TONS of info). When it comes down to it, PCOS is an endocrine disorder that causes hormone levels to be out of whack which causes the cardinal symptoms: obesity, excess hair growth, acne, male-pattern hair loss, high blood pressure, elevated blood lipids, insulin-resistance (the precursor to diabetes), polycystic ovaries, lack of ovulation, ammenorrhea, infertility and more. Luckily, I do not have most of these symptoms. This actually explains a lot, because if you remember, my cholesterol and triglycerides were high a couple years ago. I successfully lowered both by taking garlic and fish oil supplements, but my PCP and I were still at a loss as to why they would be so high in the first place in a normal-weight 21 year old. My blood pressure has also been borderline high at 130/80. Sometimes it's lower, but it should always be lower. The whole reason I stopped taking my birth control pills in February 2008 was because my blood pressure got up to 150/100 one day at work, and on almost a daily basis my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest at 120+ bpm...without exertion! Luckily that hasn't happened again since shortly after I stopped taking birth control. But that's when the other symptoms started surfacing. My cycles were very irregular, but this is quite common after coming off the pill and can take up to 6 months to regulate. But then my cycles stopped altogether, and I knew that wasn't normal (and I wasn't pregnant!).

The possibility of PCOS didn't enter my mind until earlier this year when I started googling long and/or absent cycles. PCOS came up a few times and I read through the list of symptoms. The first and most distinctive symptoms are obesity and excess hair growth and since I have neither, I kept discounting it as an option. But it kept coming up and then I saw the symptoms of high blood pressure...and then high cholesterol...and I started to think "huh, that would explain a lot." Then at the end of May when my Dr said she wanted a pelvic ultrasound, I guessed she wanted to check for polycystic ovaries. And I was right. And it felt so good to have an answer to the past 16 months! We were going to start on Clomid to help us get pregnant (because I wasn't ovulating regularly), but that's when we learned we were already pregnant only 2 weeks later, so no Clomid! But we all know how that turned out. Apparently PCOS can increase the risk of miscarriage to as high as 50% due to hormonal imbalances. I did not know this. So now as of August 4th I am on a diabetes drug called Metformin. Not because I have diabetes...I don't even have insulin resistance, one of the key symptoms and problematic factors of PCOS. According to my lab work, my insulin and glucose levels are fine. However, Metformin has been shown to improve the way the body uses insulin even when an insulin problem isn't apparent. For women with PCOS, it can help restore ovulation and regular cycles by correcting hormonal imbalances at a metabolic level. It can also help "cook the egg" properly to reduce the chance of chromosomal abnormalities (which are increased in PCOS). I've been on Metformin now for 6 weeks, and have already noticed a difference. Two weeks ago I had another ultrasound done, and my right ovary looked completely normal. It was polycystic in June. Maybe it's just a fluke, or maybe the Metformin is working already. Either way, I was happy with that result! The left still had several tiny cysts, all <1cm in size. And luckily, I have had (almost) none of the nasty side effects that Metformin can cause. I am quite lucky in that regard. :-) I will continue taking the Metformin indefinitely until we get pregnant again, and then through 12 weeks gestation as it can greatly reduce the chances of a first trimester miscarriage in patients with PCOS. Knowing this does make "next time" seem a little less frightening because we know at least this will be something different that we didn't do last time. Hopefully it works.

Now that I've exhausted PCOS, lets move on. Since the latest miscarriage, Scott and I have had a bunch of tests done. We did have chromosomal testing done on the baby but those tests were inconclusive due to insufficient "viable tissue". Scott and I both had chromosomal testing done as well, and we are both chromosomally normal (woohoo!). I also had a ton of bloodwork done as part of what is called the Repeated Pregnancy Loss panel...it tests for a bunch of different things including lupus, antibodies, protein and clotting disorders. Everything was negative except for one. I have 2 mutations of the MTHFR gene, which stands for Methylenetetrahydofolate Reductase...yeah, try saying that 10 times fast. Here is a link to someone else's blog entry that explains MTHFR very well. If you're curious, I encourage you to read it. But in short, MTHFR is a mutation which impedes the normal metabolism of folic acid as well as the conversion of the amino acid homocysteine into another amino acid that the body can use. Because of this, homocysteine levels CAN be elevated, which CAN cause an increased risk of clotting issues, which CAN cause miscarriage due to improper implantation or blood supply in early pregnancy, or stillbirth due to clots in the placenta and impeded flow of blood and nutrients to the baby. There are 5 different combinations possible for inheriting the MTHFR mutations...unless you count NOT having it at all, then there are 6. :-) Anyway, there are 2 different types, the A mutation (less problematic) and the C mutation (more problematic). You can have one of either (1 A OR 1 C), two of the same (2 A's OR 2 C's), or one of each (1 A AND 1 C). I have the last combination, 1 A and 1 C, making me "Compound Heterozygous" for the MTHFR mutations.

This is where it gets complicated (HA! And you thought it already was!). I want to preface this by saying I LOVE my doctor. Very much. She is amazing with her patients and very knowledgeable, and out of all the Dr's I work with I chose her. But I also feel kind of awkward seeing her (or any of the Dr's I work with) because I don't feel like I can question anything...I'm just the patient, yes I'm a nurse now, but I'm not a doctor. But since I work with her, I feel very strange questioning anything she tells me. It's just an awkward situation. Anyway, she has told me that this diagnosis of MTHFR is nothing to worry about. I will be taking a baby aspirin every day in addition to extra folic acid due to the issues with folic acid metabolism, but other than that there is nothing we need to worry about. This is not what I have found online. Unfortunately, I do not have any hard and fast evidence for what I have read online...most of it is just other patients like myself on message boards telling each other what their doctors have told them and the treatment(s) they are receiving. We're all just trying to understand what this is and how to go about having healthy pregnancies and babies. If you read the link I posted above explaining MTHFR, you will find that my diagnosis of Compund Hetero MTHFR is the 2nd most concerning form of the mutations. However my Dr is not concerned and does not think I need to be on blood thinners once we get pregnant again. At my appointment a couple weeks ago she could sense my apphrehension about this and referred me to a Perinatologist (a high-risk OB). I had that appointment last Friday, and I left there crying and so frustrated because they told me the same thing..."don't lose sleep over this". Too late, I already have. So neither of my Dr's will let me take blood thinners for two reasons. 1) I am heterozygous...doesn't matter that I still have 2 mutations, I only have 1 of each making me heterozygous for the gene. If I had 2 of the same ones (Homozygous), they would be more concerned and would put me on blood thinners. 2) My homocysteine level is normal. My level was 9.8, and the labwork printout suggests it needs to be <10. I barely pass. If my homocysteine level were high, that would mean I am at increased risk for blood clots but since it's normal I am not (this is what they're telling me...the article I linked to says that a normal homocysteine level doesn't always mean you're safe).

Basically I'm scared. I've lost two babies, I have the right to be scared. Yes, I understand that the most likely reason for my 2 first trimester miscarriages was my PCOS. We're treating that now. Most likely, it won't happen again...and if it does, at least we're attempting to treat it. But MTHFR, although it can cause 1st trimester miscarriages, is most known to cause 2nd and 3rd trimester miscarriages and stillbirths. Fantastic. Now I won't just be scared through the first 12 weeks, now it's going to be the whole entire pregnancy, each and every time! The prophylactic (preventative) treatment for this would be blood thinners. A daily injection for the entire pregnancy. I understand blood thinners are nothing to take lightly...but I also don't want to lose another baby (duh!). Here is my logic: 4 things could happen. 1) We get pregnant again, I take the Metformin, extra folic acid and baby aspirin and everything is fine, 2) We get pregnant again and I take all of the above and everything ISN'T fine...we lose the baby, 3) I take all of the above AND lovenox or heparin throughout the pregnancy and everything is fine, 4) I take all of the above AND lovenox or heparin and we still lose the baby. I would rather it be option #3 or 4 because at least then if we do lose another baby we know we did everything we could. Yes, I know I may not NEED the blood thinners. But I'd rather not find out the hard way that I DO need them. I'd rather take them and NOT need them...but not know I don't need them because we get a healthy baby out of it. Am I making any sense? I just wish I could convince someone to take the "better safe than sorry" approach. If we do go on to lose another baby they would most likely let me use lovenox or heparin after that, especially if it were to be a 2nd or 3rd trimester loss. So why not let me take it now and prevent another loss? I just don't get it. I know I know. I might not need it. Everything might be fine. Perhaps they are both right and I'm just nuts. But what if they aren't. Most everything I'm reading online tells me I need to be on lovenox and that it is harmless especially in the lowest prophylactic dose of 40mg/daily...which is all I want. This is just so extremely frustrating.

So where do we go from here? Well, we are going to try again. I'm taking the Metformin, baby Aspirin, and extra folic acid along with everything else I was already taking (prenatal vitamins, fish oil, vitamin E, extra b-vitamins). Also to help control my PCOS I've purchased a couple of "PCOS Diet" books. Not to lose weight, but to try and control hormonal issues through what I eat. No more junk food or refined sugars and carbohydrates for me. Well, I shouldn't say NONE...just very limited. No more caffeine or soda. No more fake ingredients and preservatives. I'm now drinking a minimum of 2 liters of water a day, usually 3 or 4. I've also started exercising...or trying anyway, lol! I did really well for about 2-3 weeks. I've fallen off the bandwagon since then. But just by changing what I'm eating I've already lost 8 pounds. That wasn't the goal, nor did I need to lose weight, but it is nice to be able to wear some of my clothes I've had in boxes for a couple of years...some things I haven't been able to wear since right after we got married! If I can't be pregnant right now, at least I can wear what I want? Nope...still not a fair trade-off. :-(

Did you make it through all that? If so, congratulations! Did you understand half of it? Double-congratulations!! If you have questions for me, I will attempt to answer. In the end, we've realized that no matter what gets thrown at us, we just have to step back and let the One who is in control of it all carry us through. As I've said before, none of this is a suprise to Him. We may never know the "why" to what's happened or what may happen in the future, but we have to do the best we can with the knowledge we're given and trust Him for the rest. Waaay easier said than done. I find the following verse more appropriate than ever:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

~Abigail~

A Symbol of Hope

As you can see, I've changed the design of my blog. I decided it was time for a change...time for something that wasn't just "pretty" because I like pink and I like babies...time for something that has meaning to my life at this point in time. Immediately I thought of the Lily. Easter lilies have always brought thoughts of hope and new life to my mind because at easter time we are celebrating the new hope and life we have in Jesus because he died for us and rose again. But that hope is not just felt during easter season, we have an eternal hope in Christ that is with us no matter what life throws our way. Right now it may seem impossible for me to have hope. Ask my husband, I did not feel very hopeful the day after or even the week after our latest miscarriage. It has only come with time, and I know it will continue to grow with time. But as I've begun to find healing these feelings of hope are returning, and I wanted to portray that somehow here.

I have hope that we will be pregnant again.
I have hope that someday these trials we are facing will not hurt so much.
I have hope that in all of this there will be blessings along the way.
I have hope that perhaps my story will help someone else.
I have hope that one day we will hold our own baby in our arms and this will all seem like nothing compared to that joy.

This doesn't mean I walk around every moment of the day feeling oh-so hopeful. No. In fact sometimes I am the complete opposite of hopeful. Everything feels downright impossible and hopeLESS, like I'm stuck in the neverending black background which represents suffering and grief. It takes a conscious decision to find the positives in my life at this moment and to move forward with the knowledge we've been given in these trials and have faith that God knows what He's doing, He has never left our side, and we will be okay. We must let hope shine through and conquer the darkness.

I also changed the picture at the top. I love babies (in case you haven't heard, lol!) and so I knew I wanted to keep a baby picture at the top...and I love Anne Geddes work so I was 99% sure I was going to stick with one of her photos. When I found this one, it not only fit perfectly with the portion of Psalm 139 that I have printed at the top but it also had another very special meaning. I imagine those hands being the hands of God. This picture has a few meanings to me: We are safe in his hands, our precious little angels are safe in His hands, He is in control of everything...I could probably think of a few more. I also added to the portion of Psalm 139. Originally I only had "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." But I thought it was appropriate to add the next verse: "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." This reminds me that not only does He know exactly what my life holds for me tomorrow, next week, next year etc...but He also knew that the two little lives we were blessed to enjoy for a short while this year were only going to last a short while...it was all part of His plan. That doesn't make it hurt any less, but it is comforting to know.

So the lilies represent hope, the blackness represents suffering and the photo represents God's omnipresence in our lives. I will leave you with a verse that fits perfectly with the changes I've made to my blog:

Romans 5:1-5
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not unly so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us."

~Abigail~

Forever In Our Hearts

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21

If there is one thing I have learned this year, it is that having faith and putting one's trust in God is a lot harder to do when things go "wrong"...at least according to our plan. It's extremely hard to follow along and trust in God's plan for our lives in the midst of heartache. Don't get me wrong, this year has been amazing for me and Scott in many ways: new house, graduating from nursing school, new job description for me (RN!) and nice new pay raise...not to mention my dream job, Scott going back to school this week, and getting to spend more time together than ever before in our marriage (due to being finished with nursing school!). We are very greatful for everything we have been blessed with this year. This year has also been difficult in, up until now, a very private way. But I am tired of hiding.

Today is August 23rd, 2009. Today we were planning to announce to the world that we were expecting a baby, because today we were going to be 12 weeks pregnant. We do not get to make that announcement in the way we had hoped. Last night marks 4 weeks since we were forced to say goodbye to our precious little baby at ~11:50pm on Saturday, July 25th. I won't describe the details. But we did get the very special opportunity to see and hold our child, which I am SO so thankful for. I don't think I can even describe how that felt...amazing, surreal, heartbreaking...I was awestruck at how perfect and complete our baby was, and at only 8 weeks. We had seen the heartbeat on ultrasound only 10 days earlier but this was so much more...real. This is a representation of what we saw, what I held in the palm of my hand, less than 1 inch in length:

So tiny, yet so perfect. Brought new meaning to my favorite verse in Psalm 139 about how we are fearfully and wonderfully made (quoted at the top of my blog). But why was this happening? If we are so fearfully and wonderfully made, what went wrong? Why did we lose this perfect little baby? And to add to our pain and confusion...this wasn't the first time. This was the 2nd child we have lost this year. The first time was back in February. We found out we were pregnant February 1st...much to our surprise. We had only been "trying" in a very loose sense of the word since December, so were were extrememly shocked and elated to learn that we were pregnant after only 2 months. However it only lasted 4 days. We lost that baby on February 5th at what we're guessing was only 4 weeks. Most people don't even know they are pregnant at that point. But it was still extremely difficult. One day we were pregnant, excited, planning...and only a few days later those dreams and expectations were ripped away. It may have only been a few days...but the hopes and dreams we lost were much older than that, and I think that is what hurt the most. That baby was due in October, and from my best guess, October 12th. We hadn't told anyone that we were pregnant, so when we lost that baby we didn't tell anyone...except for a couple of very close friends who happened to notice that something was wrong a couple days later and asked if we were okay. We didn't tell anyone because we weren't sure how, and weren't sure if we wanted to...we didn't want to hurt anyone, and we weren't even sure what had happened ourselves as it had all happened so quickly. We didn't want anyone to know we were trying (and still trying), or that there were any problems. We didnt' want the questions or the well-meaning yet often hurtful comments like "At least you know you can get pregnant", "It will happen when the time is right", or "There is always a reason for everything". For the time being, we wanted this to be our own personal secret that we would share if and when the time was ever right, and we were both okay with that.

So from February through May we tried our best to get back to normal. We would never forget what happened, but we tried to move on. And I think we did. We started trying again right away, but nothing happened. This did not suprise me. I was having issues of my own, in fact I had been since February of 2008...which is part of the reason why it was such a surprise when we did find out we were pregnant this February. In May I went to see one of the OB/GYN's that I work with at the hospital, who later that month referred me to go see another OB in the same practice who had much more experience. I saw her in June, and based on an ultrasound and some bloodwork I was diagnosed with PCOS--which stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This is a very complex disorder affecting more than just fertility, but in short it meant that getting and staying pregnant could potentially be a lot harder for me than for the majority of women. Based on this diagnosis, I was prescribed the fertility drug Clomid which we were instructed to use in July. To our complete suprise (once again), we found out we were pregnant only 2 weeks after this appointment (and without using the prescription!).

June 24th, 2009 was an awesome day, to put it lightly! That morning I took NCLEX--the state nursing licensure exam...and when I got home that day I took a pregnancy test on a whim...I just had a feeling...and that feeling was 100% right. We were pregnant! I was in complete shock, and called Scott at work. I couldn't wait, I had to tell him. Here is what I said: "So, you know the exam I took this morning (referring to NCLEX)? Well...that wasn't the only test I took today. And let's just say I can't go out and get that margarita I was planning on having tonight..." "Oh really!"...was Scott's reply. We just couldn't believe it, we knew this had to be our miracle baby, we hadn't even needed the drugs I had been prescribed! And to find out on the day I got my RN license? Could it get better than this? Our first ultrasound was scheduled for July 15th, and if everything looked good we planned to tell our families the following weekend.

July 15th came and went and the ultrasound was perfect. We saw our baby's heart beating away at 125 bpm...he or she literally looked like a peanut...and measured only 5mm in length, which was right on track for my due date of March 4th, 2010. This is one of the pictures we were given that day (6weeks and 3days). See? Shaped just like a peanut on the left side of the photo is our baby. The white ring with a dark center to the right of the baby is the "yolk sac", later to become the placenta. Everything looked perfect. I was scheduled for another ultrasound on August 4th, and we left even more excited than ever and VERY relieved. I had been extremely anxious about losing this baby since the day we found out we were pregnant again...and rightly so, it had happened before. But after seeing that little heartbeat (something we'd never gotten the chance to see the first time) we were reassured that the chances of another miscarriage we greatly reduced (although still possible). We were going to tell our parents that weekend, but one of our parents went out of town so we decided to put it off until the following weekend. Until I started bleeding.

July 22nd I was sitting in a class at work (it was an 8 hour lecture-education day) and when I got up to use the bathroom my worst fear came true...I was bleeding...and being that I work at a hospital and I was already there, I went straight to the ER. They did an ultrasound and bloodwork and amazingly everything was fine. The baby's heartrate was 150 (which was wonderful) and was measuring 9.2mm, almost double the size from only 1 week ago, and right on target. I couldn't believe it...but I was still terrified. I was instructed to go home, put my feet up for the next few days and drink tons of water. I did just that. That night we had our parents over for dinner (last minute) so we could tell them...we were scared, and if this was going to happen to us again we wanted their support this time. We only wished we could have told them when the primary emotion we felt was pure excitement...instead the announcement was jaded with fear and the explanation of that day's ER trip in addition to sharing with them about our loss in February and my diagnosis of PCOS. We didn't want to give them false hope that everything was going to be okay, and yet we wanted to allow them the opportunity to be excited for us for a little while...and pray for us and our little one, that a miracle would happen...afterall we still had hope...our baby had grown and still had a heartbeat.

Wednesday, then Thursday, then Friday passed and it was Saturday. I was still pregnant. But I was still bleeding. Each evening it would get slightly worse with some cramping to accompany it, so I would go to bed in an attempt to "run away" from what I knew was happening...only to my suprise (and relief) I would wake up the next morning to no cramping and less bleeding. Until Saturday night. I woke up only a few hours after falling asleep, and I knew something was very wrong...the cramps were almost unbearable. And it was all over within 30 minutes. Our precious baby was in the palm of my hand, and we were left staring at him or her wondering what had just happened...why it had happened...why we were experiencing this again, after everything had been so perfect only a few days prior. Once again, our dreams came crashing down around us and I didn't know what to do. I was angry at God, angry at myself, angry at the world. Why me, why us? Why couldn't my body carry this baby, why would we not be allowed to love and raise this child? Why must it end like this? Why had God allowed us to get pregnant again in the first place just to lose it...again? We had prayed for this child before we even knew s/he existed, prayed for him/her to grow strong and healthy once we knew, and we sure as heck prayed for a miracle once the bleeding started, and I know our family was praying for us at that point too. Had He not heard us? I knew better than to ask myself these questions...but these are the thoughts that come naturally in this kind of situation.

The next few days were not easy. The last few weeks have not been easy, and it still isn't easy...but we are getting by. Each day is a little better than the day before. I'd like to share a few of the songs that have touched my heart the past few weeks and helped me to grieve as well as to find comfort and peace through it all. Held by Natalie Grant makes me cry every time...but describes my feelings perfectly. This song touches home particularly well because if you are familiar with the lyrics (or you can just listen to it) I was exactly 2 months along (8 weeks) when we lost this baby. Also Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns...the first verse and chorus especially...talks about how even when He doesn't calm the storm or ease our pain, we will still praise the God who gives and takes away, and He is always with us. Another song that seems to describe exactly where I am at right now is You're Not Shaken by Phil Stacey: no matter what happens in our lives, God is not caught by surprise. I have to remind myself that He does not cause bad things to happen, but he does allow them to happen...we may not know why "and we may never know why", but He is not shaken and we cannot stop trusting in Him in the midst of trials. The last song I'll share right now is He Is by Mark Schultz. Unfortunately I do not have a music link for this song as the album just came out a couple days ago so it is not up on youtube yet...hopefully soon. But I have linked to the lyrics on klove.com. I love this song because much like the previous song it reminds me that "He is, He was, and He always will be." None of this is new to Him or unexpected in His divine plan, and that is somehow extremely comforting to me.

One of the first verses I read when I finally opened up my Bible a couple weeks after this last miscarriage was in Psalms. I opened it up to Psalms and just started reading, no where in particular and within a couple minutes my eyes fell on this verse: Psalm 20:4-5 "May he give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift our banner in the name of our God. May the Lord grant all your requests." This has given me so much hope and peace. It WILL happen. We don't know when, and we don't know what lies before us between now and then, but I have faith we will succeed. Why else would He have shown me this specific verse? Another verse that has helped and is helping me get through right now is Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

We do not know what lies ahead of us. We are going to keep trying, and though no future pregnancies we ever experience will hold the blissful niavete that I so desperately wish I could have back, I know we will get through it. I wish I could be that girl who announces to the world she is pregnant the minute the test turns positive...that I could post ultrasound pictures and belly pictures at 6 weeks...that I wouldn't have to worry about something going wrong again, because it HAS gone wrong before...scared every time I have to use the bathroom for fear of seeing blood, making my Dr think I'm the crazy-nurse patient who thinks every possible thing that can go wrong will go wrong and wanting preventative treatment for everything...I could go on and on. That will never happen for me. Pregnancy will always hold some amount of fear, which I can only pray will not overtake me.

So why have I shared all of this in my blog, on the internet for anyone to see? To be honest, I really don't know who reads this blog. I am writing this partially because I love to write and I express my thoughts and feelings best in writing, and I knew it would be beneficial to my healing process to get this all out on "paper". I needed to do this. Scott agreed that it would be okay, and we are prepared to share with people should we be questioned about this. We are ready. Second, I am tired of hiding this. I am a mother. I want to be known for who I am. I may not have my children here in my arms, but they are and will be in my heart forever. I am tired of miscarriage being this horrible lonely secret that no one talks about. It is nothing to be ashamed of, this wasn't my fault and I didn't do anything wrong. Why does our culture hide stuff like this? I really don't know, but I don't want to hide it any longer. The truth is it happens to more people than we realize...upwards of 1 in 4 women have experienced or will experience a miscarriage sometime in their life. I do not say this to scare anyone, only to show that it is not just some rare thing that only happens once in awhile. When it happened to me the first time I was in disbelief...why me? I don't know anyone who has had a miscarriage...am I the only one? No, I am not the only one. Since this 2nd miscarriage, I have shared with several more friends what we have been going through. I am amazed at how many of those co-workers, friends and acquaintances have also experienced one or more miscarriages...and I wouldn't have known had I not shared my story with them.

So today, on the day that we would have announced to the world that we were expecting a baby, on the day we would have been 12 weeks pregnant, I just want to acknowledge my two little angel babies and tell them how much we miss them. Mommy and Daddy love you SO so much. We only wish we could have spent more time together, seen your smiles, heard your cries, held your tiny little hands and watched you grow. For reasons we may never know, God had other plans for you, and for us. But you will be forever loved, forever missed, and forever in our hearts. XOXOXO Love, Your Mommy.

~Abigail~

(Note: We have met with my Dr again since this most recent miscarriage and have had more testing done. I will share in another post what this testing has revealed and what it means as far as moving forward.)

Changes

Tonight I start night shift. I am excited and bummed at the same time. Excited because it is something new and something I've done before so I know I can do it...but bummed because I know the tired-ness and weird sleep and social schedules the go along with working nights. Luckily I will only be working 3 nights a week, but that's 3 nights a week that I don't get to sleep and have to be away from my husband. And my body really doesn't need the stress of a crazy sleep schedule. *Sigh* I know I'll be fine, the people I'll be working with are awesome, the "flow" on night shift is a lot lighter (fewer visitors, doctors, discharges, no meals, etc.) but that can also lead to boredom and sleeeeepy-ness...lol! We'll see how it goes! I guess instead of looking forward to the next morning I get to sleep in, now I'll be looking forward to the next NIGHT I get to sleep. Oy.

I am sorry I've been a blog slacker lately. Scott and I have been dealing with some personal issues this year and I haven't felt like blogging about it. I really don't know exactly who or how many people read this, so perhaps it wouldn't have mattered if I had spilled my heart out on here anyway, but I'm at the point where writing about it may be therapeutic for me so I may go ahead and share, plus it's MY blog I can write what I want!! I dunno, we'll see. Sorry if I'm being cryptic (is that the word?). We're fine, honest. Life just isn't all peaches and cream all the time.

Sorry I've been MIA!!!

Is it really half way through July already?? When and how did that happen? I have been LOVING work, been an official RN for 3 weeks tomorrow. :-) I anticipate switiching to night shift the week of August 9th--just waiting to hear for sure from my supervisor. I will probably get 2 additional weeks of training on night shift and then be on my own. Scary thought! Last week I was practically on my own one day...my normal preceptor Catherine was called off due to a low patient census and so I was put with the charge nurse to supervise me...only the charge nurse is very busy with other stuff so I was practically on my own and just had her as a go-to person. One thing I've learned is that I really hate calling doctors. It helps that I already know all (well, most) of the doctors I work with, but it's still nerve racking!! Imagine if I was on an entirely new unit with doctors I'd never met before?? Yikes. Guess I'll count my blessings!!

I am thoroughly enjoying not having any tests or studying to worry about. That does mean I am kinda bored on my days off, but for now at least I am enjoying that. My house got entirely cleaned last Friday, so I don't even have cleaning to do right now!! Today I have to mail in my passport renewal application in preparation for our cruise in October (can't wait!!), then I am FINALLY going to go get my hair cut!! It's been FIVE months since I've had it cut, the longest I like to wait is 4...but it costs money and I refuse to go to costcutters or somewhere like that...so I waited! Moving is expensive, btw...not something I want to do again anytime soon!! Hehe. Anyway, this really prestigious salon in Chandler came to my hosptial a couple weeks ago selling a promotional package of 3 salon visits. 2 visits are for a professional cut, and the other is for a color or highlights. All 3 visits only cost a total of $60. I normally spend $120 for ONE visit for a haircut and partial highlights with 2 colors. So I am getting it cut today, then next month I'll get it colored, then right before our cruise three months from now I'll get it cut again. :-) And all for only $60. Yaaaaaay!!! Not to mention the guy who is cutting my hair today is supposedly the top hair dresser in the state. Nice! We'll see if I like what he does or not...

Enough about my hair, I think I'm going to go play my Sims 3 game before heading out to the postoffice and salon in a few hours. I love Sims!!! It was my present for finishing NCLEX. I bought it that day!! Hehe.

TTYL!!
~Abigail Sampson, RN~

Got My License!

My real, actual, physical license (hehe) arrived in the mail yesterday!! I'm so glad it came quickly, because now I can turn in copies first thing Monday morning at work and start getting paid real RN wages and doing all the RN work. I'll have to get set up with a password and fingerprint at the med station, get a new badge, get new uniforms, and...I think that's it. I'm so excited to be able to get my patient's own meds this next week instead of having to ask Catherine (my RN preceptor...she's AMAZING!!) everytime one of my patients needs a motrin. Yesterday she was joking around saying that Monday I am going to give my very first Colace. Oh goody! LOL! (Colace is a stool softener. Such an important med, HA!) I'm being sarcastic. Maybe it was funnier to us....

I really had to LOL though when I saw the license because it is just on a piece of regular strength paper and is about the size of a credit card. It's so flimsy!! I may get it laminated, but I heard somewhere we're not supposed to do that...maybe I'll call the state board and ask if that is allowed. At first I was thinking "no wonder it's so easy for poeple to forge an RN license, all you have to do is copy the thing!" Seriously, it looks like it's just normal white paper...nothing special. But on closer examination there are some letters in tiny tiny black dots on the paper...the license itself still looks white unless you look VERY CLOSELY and you can see the itty bitty dot letters. That made me feel better. :-)

~Abigail Sampson, RN~

:::EDIT:::

I forgot, there IS something else I get to do Monday....I get a new login to our computer charting system, and on our paper charts I will get to sign my name as RN for the first time!! :-D Yesterday I was signing RN to non-legal documents (like the Congratulations card we all sign and give to all our new parents upon discharge), but I'm not allowed to use the initials RN on any part of the legal chart until my license is on file at the hospital...which will be Monday!!

:::END EDIT:::

::::Drumroll::::

I'm an RN!!! I've known for about 12hrs, but I was at work today so I couldn't post this until now. Sorry if I kept anyone waiting in suspense! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! This is one of the best feelings EVER!! No more studying, no more tests, no more constant stress....at least about school, haha! I can't even begin to describe how good it feels to FINALLY be done with this 5 year mission (5 years in college...but much longer in the pursuit of this dream!). Once I turn in my paper license, which should arrive in the mail by Saturday according to my classmates, I will get my pay raise (yay!), be able to pass meds and handle IVs AND get my new uniforms for work. :-) SO EXCITED!!!!!!!! But scared at the same time...with the initials RN come great responsibility...and yes, I am terrified of being on my own in postpartum. I don't care if people say it's the easiest department to work in, and I don't care that I've been in that department in one position or another for 4 years now, I'm still scared to be on my own. It's a good fear, though, it would be worse if I was so confident I wasn't frightened at all. Afterall, an RN license is quite realistically a license to kill. Scary thought, but remembering that will keep me humble. I'm just SOOOO excited to finally be able to say I'M A NURSE!!!


::::::Drumroll::::::


~Abigail Sampson, RN~

:::Cues Jeopardy Music:::

I just got home from my test. I got the minimum 75 questions, and it only took me 45 minutes. I'm not sure how I feel about that!! I either passed, or bombed miserably because it will keep going and going up to 265 if it (the computer) thinks you still have a chance. To fail at 75 questions means it has no hope for you, so it shuts off! OR I did marvelous and there was no need to keep going so it shut off at 75 questions. Of course I'm hoping it's the latter scenario. :-) I must note, though, that the questions were a LOT easier than the study questions I've been doing. Okay, easier may not be the word....how about basic. They questions were very basic, but the answer choices were confusing. Oh, and there were TONS of multiple-multiple answer questions...the kind where you have to "select all that apply". Fun fun. :::makes icky face:::

Now I wait until tomorrow to find out if I can breathe....

~Abigail~

The Day Before the Rest of My Life

I suppose every day could be classified as such...but it feels even more surreal today than any other (except for maybe the day before my wedding). Tomorrow morning I will be taking my NCLEX-RN exam, and hopefully by sometime Thursday will be able to sign my posts with RN after my name, AND change the title of my blog. Uh-oh...I'm going to have to think up a new title! It really is nerve racking...but I am unexplainably at peace right now. Well, not unexplainably...I know it's because I have tons of people praying for me...but it's still weird to not be jumping out of my skin in anticipation and sheer fright at the thought of this test. My whole life has been leading up to this point, literally! Since the time I was 7 years old, I knew I wanted to be a nurse. Specifically, a baby nurse. :-) Tomorrow, I finally have the opportunity to realize that dream.

I will be taking the exam at 8am, and will have anywhere from 75 to 265 questions. It is all on the computer, and I will have up to 6 hours to complete it. I won't know ahead of time how many questions I will have, the test will simply shut off once the computer has determined I am done (based on my performance). It does not tell me how I am doing, or give me a result at the end. Tomorrow afternoon I have scheduled a massage using the spa gift certificates I received for my birthday last month. Scott and I will probably go out to dinner....I fully intend to indulge in a margarita!! Then Thursday and Friday I go to work and attempt not to go nuts waiting for my results to post online. Let's hope they post on Thursday!!

Thank you everyone for your support and prayers!!

~Abigail~