Hello Morning Sickness!

Goodmorning Monkey! For your information, you just made Mommy puke for the first time. I guess you didn't like those Dots I ate this morning. I'm glad I was at home, though, because I didn't have much warning...it was an "oh crap, gotta puke now" moment and now afterwards I feel fine. It is kind of reassuring, though, in a weird way. I think only someone who's been through a miscarriage and never experienced morning sickness before would say that...

I hope this means you're doing well in there little one! I can't wait for Tuesday to get here so we can see you again!

Love,
Mommy

Baby, Baby!!

You're still in there!! Thank you God for keeping our LO safe! Monkey, you're actually starting to look like a little person! We saw your face and little arms and legs on today's ultrasound, and your heart was beating at an amazing 169bpm! You couldn't have made us happier! :-) AND you've grown so well you're now 2 days ahead! I can't believe that in the past 7 days you've had 9 days worth of growth! The nurse was very happy with everything she saw, and so were we! And we get to see you again next week. Keep growing, baby!!

We love you so much little Monkey!

This Moment...

...I am pregnant, and I love you, baby. In four hours Daddy and I get to see you again. I am scared. Daddy says he's not, he says you are just fine and tonight is going to be a very happy night. I wish I had his optimism. Is he just saying it for my sake? I love him so much. I don't think I can bare to let him down again. I don't think I can handle losing you, little one. I will break. I pray your Daddy is right and you are fine. I pray we get to see your healthy little heart beating away today, at a much higher rate than last week. I pray you've grown the appropriate amount in the past week. I pray we survive the next thirty two weeks or so and get to bring you home in September.

Lord I know you are in control of this. I know you hold our baby in your hands, and there is no other way I would want it. I know you know my heart...I struggle with trust, but I DO trust you. My fear comes from past experience and the hurt that has caused...I never ever want to have to experience that pain ever again. The past week I have felt a fraction of that pain...just the thought of it has made me cry multiple times. Please carry me. Carry us. Through whatever you bring us to.

I don't know what we will see this afternoon. I know what I HOPE we'll see. I also know what I'm afraid of seeing. Please hold me together, Father?

One thing I know. This moment I am pregnant, and I love our baby. This moment there is life inside me. I don't want this moment to end. I don't want to know if anything is wrong, I want to go to bed tonight as I did last night knowing I am still pregnant. I am not bleeding, I am not cramping, I have no reason other than a slow heart rate at last week's ultrasound to be afraid. No reason at all. Why am I so weak?

Many people have been praying for you little Monkey. Mommy and Daddy pray it's enough.

We love you sweet baby!

~Mommy~

I'm a mess

Baby, your Mama is a mess! I'm falling to pieces even at the thought that we could lose you. I called your grandma last night and told her all about the ultrasound. She said the safest place for you was in God's hands, and that's where we should leave you. I know she's right but it's soo hard! He didn't save our other two babies, why should we keep trusting Him with you? I know we need to and we're trying, but we're only human and I can't help but cry for you.

I hope you're listening to me. I've told you so many times how much we love you and told you to stay with us and to keep growing.

I want a fastforward button to September, to the moment we get to hold you in our arms, alive and healthy. But yet I want to be able to enjoy every single moment that I'm pregnant. Why can't they all be happy, worry-free moments? Because I love you too much. Not that it's possible to love someone TOO much...I just love you too much not to care, not to worry. I am worried. I can't lose you. I just can't.

Love Always,
~Your Mommy~

I See a Monkey!!

Hi Monkey, this is your mother. Well, we got to see you today...you're 8.5mm long today, the perfect size according to my calculations, right down to the day. But your heartbeat is low. Did it just start beating? Because if it did, then a low heartbeat is very normal. But since we don't know, your mommy is worried! Your brother or sister had a heartrate of 125 when he/she was 6w2d. You are 6w6d today and your heartrate is only 73. Daddy and the ultrasound nurse say you're fine and I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it. We love you so much!! Please stay strong and grow and keep that little heartbeat going! We get to see you again in one week, and I can't wait! This is going to be a long week. Tomorrow is one year exactly since we lost your first sibling. Next week is the same time I started bleeding with my last pregnancy, and we lost your second sibling at 8wks exactly...which would be 8 days from now. Please baby Monkey, make Mommy and Daddy happy next week? Don't leave us, okay?

Please God, don't let this happen to us again? Please keep our little one strong, let him/her grow strong and healthy! I pray that this little heartbeat just started within the past couple days, that the heartrate of 73 is normal and perfectly fine, and that next week we'll see a nice strong number of 125 or more. You promised in John 14:13 that you would do whatever we ask in Your name, and Father we're asking that you protect our little Monkey. You created him/her, you started this life, please continue to breathe life into this baby. Please keep me calm, please give me your peace as in Philippians 4:6-7. I may cry this week, I may have doubts...please keep my heart strong and my mind clear as much as possible...this is so hard. We want everything to be okay so badly. Please help us to trust You.

~Abigail~

One year ago today...

...this crazy, unpredictable, rollercoaster of an adventure started. February 1st, 2009, the day we found out we were pregnant for the first time. For four days we were blissfully and ignorantly pregnant, and though we kept our secret to ourselves "just in case", we never really thought anything would happen. For four days I happily "window shopped" for baby stuff and maternity clothes online, imagining what the next several months would bring. I visited my OB and confirmed the pregnancy, I set up our first ultrasound and appointment for March 12th, and every waking moment...heck, sleeping moments too...were spent in awe of what was happening "in the secret place". Was there really a baby in there? What a surreal feeling! But oh-so wonderful!

But four days later, on February 5th, it ended. We barely had time to wrap our minds around the idea of having a baby before it was all over. I felt betrayed by my body. And robbed of my innocence. And lost...so lost. And guilty. I didn't blame myself, there's nothing I could have done to prevent it, and it wasn't my fault. But it was my body that had somehow failed. I felt like I had failed my husband, and our baby...and now there wasn't a baby. And of course I felt abandoned by God. None of these feelings have completely resolved, however they have gotten easier to live with. It's true, time does heal...but it doesn't erase.

A year ago today I had no idea what the next year would bring. I only knew that we were pregnant, and SO so happy! I wish I could have bottled up that first-time-oh-so-innocent-pregnant-feeling and hung onto it forever! We've come a long way in one year. We lost another baby along the way, and of course we pray every day that God blesses us with another little one. One we get to take home and raise. But today I just wanted to remember our first precious baby. We will never forget.



~Abigail~

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1

Little One

Hi there Monkey! You and I went to a Rebecca St James concert tonight with your grandma and grandpa. It was a great concert, except for the part where I lost it and couldn't help but cry. It's all becuase she sang this song:

LITTLE ONE

Hush my baby be still inside me
Rest my child all is well
Hush my baby grow inside me
You are safe there my little girl

I can’t believe that I would ever think
That you were not to be
But darling mommy feels like a child herself

I will give my life to love you little one
I will give my life to protect you darling
Always, always

Hush my baby I’m dreaming of you
Wondering just who you’ll become
Hush my baby, smile inside me
Warmed by knowing you are loved

I can’t believe that I could ever think
Of life without you
But darling mommy sometimes feels afraid

I will give my life to love you little one
I will give my life to protect you darling
Always, always

I will give my life to love you little one
I will give my life to protect you darling
Always, always

Hush my baby, smile inside me
Warmed by knowing you are loved



Oh man did that song have all the right words...or all the wrong words, I couldn't and still can't decide. I wish I could know if "all is well" and if you're "safe there" growing inside me. Your two siblings obviously weren't. And I would love to be able to protect you, I am doing all I can. Please hang on and come to greet us in September? "Mommy sometimes feels afraid", but Daddy and I are choosing to trust that God is protecting you in there...that you're growing right on schedule. We can't wait to "see" you at our ultrasound in just a few days. Is your little heart beating yet? How big are you? You're supposed to be the size of a pea this week. My little Sweetpea.

That song touched a nerve because it was written and sung for a movie about an unplanned pregnancy and the struggles the woman went through deciding whether or not to have an abortion or to choose life for her baby. She was six weeks pregnant, I am six weeks pregnant with you today. It stung because I wish I had a choice. I choose life!! You are SO wanted! Your two siblings were also very much planned for and wanted, but we didn't get to keep them. We didn't have a choice, they were taken away from us against our will. I choose life, I choose life...if only it were as simple as making that choice. If only my body will cooperate with my mind. God please...you've given this child life, please don't take it away? We love you so much Little Monkey!!

We had a minor set-back today. Our insurance company is refusing to continue covering the Lovenox I've been taking to help you. I'll be switching to Heparin instead. Please keep growing, baby?

Love,
Mommy

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20

6 Weeks Tomorrow

I think I'm still in denial. We've known for 17 days now, but it still hasn't sunk in. Maybe I'm just not letting it? I am so very thankful for this 3rd opportunity that God has given us. All the circumstances have worked out perfectly. And so far I have not been the worried basket case I was last time. Someone told me that was a "good sign". I like to think it's because I've been constantly repeating "Do not be anxious about anythign but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

It all started in December when I decided to claim the verse from John 14:13. And when Scott and I decided to take a break from the fertility drugs. But we got pregnant anyway. I "blame" God. Hehe. :-) So I'm still using John 14:13...daily I ask for peace and strength and for my worries to be taken away. And so far I haven't been too worried. Yes, I've had my moments, but not like last time. Maybe it is a good sign. But I think it's God.

I don't know if we'll hold this baby in our arms in September, but I'm choosing to believe we will. I can't live the next 8 months in fear, in suspense. Whatever is meant to happen will happen, God is in control of everything, and I (we) need to just trust Him. We're doing everything we can possibly do to make this work...all that's left is faith. This does not mean it will be any easier if we end up losing this child. Not at all. But we can't think that way, and until given reason to believe otherwise, I'm choosing to believe that this child is perfectly healthy, that my body is doing exactly what it needs to do to protect this child and that we WILL deliver THIS baby alive and healthy in September.

Little one...or as Daddy likes to call you, our Little Monkey...we love you so very much! We've been thinking and dreaming of you for a long time, and knowing that you are finally here with us is an incredible, indescribable feeling! We have yet to see you for the first time...we pray we get that opportunity 1 week from today on ultrasound...but we know you're in there, and we pray you grow strong and healthy. Tomorrow you will be 6 weeks old. Your little heart should start beating sometime this week. Please stay strong for Mommy and Daddy. Hang in there, and bless us with your presence in September! You are a blessing already, and we love you so much!!

~Mommy~

Living Room Update!!

We bought our wall unit!! There is a new furniture store opening up near us and they're having a grand opening sale, so we got a good deal plus no tax or delivery fees!!

I love the color and all the drawers...no more excuses for having stuff laying out on the coffee table! Oh, and I love the shelves too. Now to find some cool things to put on display, lol!

Eventually we will be getting new carpet in the living room, and then a nice area rug. The old owners left some pretty obvious dirt in the carpet that won't come up. It's funny because we can very easily tell where their couch was...the carpet is clean underneath! And trust me, we've tried cleaning the rest...it doesn't come out. But that's a project for another time, probably this summer. Along with replacing the carpet in the pink room which the cats (unbeknowst to us) decided to turn into their own personal litter box. They're lucky we still feed them after that discovery. Now we keep all bedroom doors CLOSED, except for sometimes our bedroom. Though they like to hide in our closet and under out bed, so far they haven't peed on our carpet. :::knocks on wood::: Maybe it's *because* those are their hideouts that they don't pee in there...that actually makes sense.

Sorry, I didn't mean for this to turn into a post about where our cats choose to use the bathroom. Lol. I blame it on the fact that it's 6:50 in the morning and I have yet to go to bed. I was supposed to work last night but got put on call, and then cancelled. They had five patients last night. FIVE. Normal patient census for us is about 16. They were using ONE nurse plus the charge nurse. Normally we use 4 or 5 nurses plus the charge. I am working the next two nights, though! And then I get a 4 day weekend. Two weeks in a row. *Happy sigh*

~Abigail~

A New Beginning

It's a new year. I'm calling it a new beginning. 2009 pretty much sucked. Yes, there were many good points and accomplishments in 2009 as well that we are SO so grateful for, but nothing ruins a year more than what you all know I am referring to. I heard this quote today, and it s soooo true. It shouldn't (and doesn't) matter what age the child is, a child is a child...

"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow, A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan, yet there are no words for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is." -Ronald Regan

You know what happened yesterday though? I saw a new doctor. A doctor who wants to prescribe me Lovenox the next time we get pregnant. I was absolutely SHOCKED, and the even more shocking part is I didn't even have to ask him for it. My reason for wanting to be on Lovenox (a blood thinner) is because of the two MTHFR mutations I have. I posted about it back in September. Well, I've seen 4 other Dr's since then and all have told me it's "nothing to worry about" and "extra folic acid is all you need". Everything I've read online says otherwise. Well, this Dr. also told me the extra folic acid should "completely fix" the MTHFR issue. BUT he wants me on Lovenox prophylactically because I've had 2 miscarriages. Not because of the MTHFR. Whatever, I'm just thrilled that someone wants to be agressive with treatment, no matter the reasoning. Now the battle will be getting our insurance to pay for it when the time comes. It is not covered, unless I get "pre-approval" or something like that. I *think* I can get it covered, the Dr. just has to do something with the insurance company to convince them. If not, we won't be doing it (it would be about $1000/month out of pocket).

So, that is a huge weight off my shoulders. I had literally given up on finding anyone who would prescribe me Lovenox. I've seen my OB, a Perinatologist (high-risk OB), hematologist and another RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) and they've all told me no. This RE said yes. I'm still shocked!! (And I didn't even have to ask!!)

With this new accomplishment (because that's what it feels like!), I am ready to start the new year! 2010 just HAS to be better than 2009!

The very first song I heard today, January 1st, 2010, was this one I posted about a few months back. I'm taking it as a sign. I do believe sometimes you hear or see or come across things at certain moments on purpose--for a reason. This has been one of my favorite songs since I first heard it (and I got the CD for Christmas!!). It's going to be my 2010 "motto". It's time for a "new beginning" (line 3). Bring it on 2010!!

And the verse I'm claiming this year is John 14:13:
"And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so the Son may bring glory to the Father."

~Abigail~